The Latest Open Letter.

Dear Local Grocery Store Baggers,

I know that now we have self check-out lanes and bag our own groceries, you’re not making as much in tips as you used to everyday.

I know that sometimes you have nothing to do because everyone is using self check-out.

However, leaning against the bagging area and observing me while I bag my groceries is annoying.

Watching me put toilet paper into a bag cannot be THAT interesting.

And to the baggers who congregate by the self check-out lanes, I CAN HEAR YOU giving a play-by-play and critique of my bagging skills.

While I’m glad you approve of my putting all of my paper products into one bag, don’t you have something better to do? Like playing Rock, Paper, Scissors or giving each other wedgies?

Being watched makes me feel uncomfortable. If I wanted you all to follow my every move, I’d dance around the register and break into song.

“Cha, Cha, Cha, Charmin!”

Yet more open letters!

See this post for an explanation.

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Dear Small Grey Cat Whose Been Following Me Around and Meowing All Day,

WHAT?

Sincerely,
The human who has given you food, fresh water, clean litter, playtime, hugs, and several once-overs to make sure you’re okay.

______________________

Dear Refrigerator,

Please make something appetizing magically appear before me the next time I open your door.

hungrily,
Me

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Dear Mulder the Small Grey Cat,

I appreciate that you want to put your toys away when you’re done playing.

However, people look at me funny when I pull a catnip mouse out of my purse along with my wallet in the check-out line.

Please go back to putting your toys in my shoes, I’m more likely to notice those before I leave the house.

Thanks for giving me an unexpected laugh,
Me

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Dear Dog,

I really dislike your new method of teling me you need to go outside.

Please stop sticking your nose in my buttcrack and go back to nudging my knees. Please.

saying “No” to crack,
Me

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Dear Lizard That Hangs Out In Front of My Psychiatrist’s Office,

I know I startled you when I passed in front of the bush you were under and I apologize.

You startled the crap out of me when you shot out from under there.

In the future, please don’t make me screech in front of my shrink’s office.
She might not believe me when I say the meds are working.

Thanks,
NotCrazy

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Dear Printer,

Sometimes I really hate you.

Why does the “cancel document” option only work 2% of the time? Why the other 98% of the time do you become completely unusable until I uninstall then re-install your software?

Do you have any idea how big of a PITA that is?????

What should have taken me maybe 15 minutes has now taken more than an hour, you f@*#tard!

I have other things to do today! Gah, I hate you!!

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Well, I’ve posted all the letters that were fit to print.

I’ve found writing these letters very cathartic and will probably continue to do so.

More Open Letters.

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Dear Maker of Axe Products,What exactly do you put in your product(s) that teenage boys like so much? Or, less diplomatically, what the hell is that stench?!? 

Yours,
A Disgusted Mom

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Dear Pringles Chip Company,

I love your Extreme Dill flavored chips.
So much so that I ate an entire can over the course of one day.
They are evil, please stop making them.

Sincerely,
Going On a Diet Tomorrow

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Dear Monday Morning,

We’ve been seeing each other once a week for 35 years now.
I think it is time to cool things off a bit.
Let’s see each other once a month, on a Friday afternoon.

Sincerely,
I’m Tired

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Dear Self,

Now that the kids are at Grandma’s for a couple of weeks, you have the time to take care of several things you’ve been putting off.

Watching cheesy disaster movies starring Joe Lando on Netflix was not one of those things.
And the time you spent watching that other disaster movie that did not star Joe Lando and was about lightning is time you will never ever get back. Never.

Playing Fetch with the cat also wasn’t on your to-do list.

Nor was adding “in my pants” to the titles of several Madonna songs.

Get off your butt and do something productive!

Sincerely,
Self

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Dear 15 Year Old Son o’ Mine,

Remember when we used to argue about the importance of showering every day and combing your hair?

I do and I’m glad you now do these things without being told. I’m glad you have taken an interest in your appearance.

However, if you ever douse yourself with Axe in the car, first thing in the morning, while I’m driving again, I will pull over, kick you out of the car and make you walk to school.

Sincerely,
Your Mom, who drove home this morning gagging and coughing despite having all of the windows and the moonroof open.

An Open Letter To…

There’s a thread on a message board I frequent with the same title as this post. In the thread, members write open letters to just about anyone or anything. Some are very serious. Others are hilarious. I’ve been a somewhat frequent poster on that thread and decided to share some of my open letters. 

Here’s my most recent.

Dear Sunny – my long-haired furball of a cat,

You’re a sweet cat and I love snuggling up with you at night and falling asleep to the sound of your purring.

I’m so sorry for launching you across the room this morning.

In my defense, I wasn’t quite awake. And you have a bad habit of hacking up hairballs on my bed.

So, when my brain registered that “HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK” sound you make when you’re about to hack one up, my first response was GET CAT OFF BED.

I had no idea that from a sound sleep, I could sit straight up, use my comforter as some sort of launchpad and toss you off the bed, while shouting “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

It was sort of like the “fight or flight” response, only the “flight” thing meant You becoming airborne.

Again, I’m sorry but I can’t promise it won’t happen again.